You are the only shadow standing in your own sunshine.

It's time to step out of the shadows and see the sun.

It's been a very long few years for me. My blogs are usually not so serious, but today - I just feel I need to make some changes and move forward. I think I've spent a very long time blaming other people for my extensive pain, and I'm going to take the reins.

My divorce should be final very soon and hopefully my former husband can find the strength to be clean and sober and become the father that our daughter deserves. I spent several years trying to understand where I went wrong and when he stopped loving me enough to love drugs and alcohol more. I finally figured out it wasn't me. There is something in his personality that is flawed that I cannot fix. It is not my fault. I loved my children way too much to try to keep figuring that out years ago, but now I understand that I love myself too much as well.

My family situation has hurt me even deeper for years. I'm not going to explain it, but it is something that cuts me to the core. I have let this affect me too much for entirely too long.

We cannot be who others want us to be. We cannot let the things others say continue to affect us once those words have been said. I have a relative who refuses to have anything to do with me. One who I idolized all my life. I will admit it hurts me, but I will also move past it and acknowledge there is nothing I can do about it any more. I have addressed it and that is all I can do. I cannot let it poison my life.

I am much closer to my friends than my family becaue my friends love me unconditionally. They have supported me through thick and thin. They have called me and stayed up with me all night to listen to me cry, yell, and worry through this traumatic experience. They have brought me food, held my hand, and offered support beyond imagination. They don't judge, they know what is going on in my life, and they know me. When I had police at my house, when I had to sit in a courthouse and get an order of protection, I was flooded with emotional support from my friends...not my family. At one point in my life, I would have done anything to be closer to my family, but I realize that family goes far beyond blood. I hope that these realizations also help me strengthen my bonds with my family...

So to my friends (family), thank you. I love you beyond comprehension. Thank you for being my rocks. Thank you for letting me be me. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, thank you for leaving me alone when I needed it, thank you for staying up late and talking when I needed it.

I love you guys. So... let's step out into the sunshine together and
get the hell out of the cloudy days! I'm ready to find the sun again kids!!

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